When Love And Obsession Opposed

Why do so many women and men attach themselves to destructive and painful relationships -- relationships that they cannot walk away from? Why do they need to manipulate and control their partners, using whatever means necessary? Love is focused and centered on the needs of the beloved. Obsession, in contrast, is self-centered. The obsessed is always focused on his (or her) own desires and the object of obsession is incidental. Love treats the beloved as a human being and in extreme cases lovers treat love and beloved as divine. For the obsessed the centre of his attention is an object with no desires, no life independent of the intense desire that the obsessed has for the object. He/She is almost like a child who is mad for a toy and will take the toy with him (or her) to bed, to garden, and even to the toilet. But if one day the toy hurts the child, there is immediate rejection. The child is now looking for a new toy while the old one is thrown mercilessly into the dustbin.

Obsession is, unlike love, not just passionate; it is ferocious and cruel. The pathos of cruelty that an obsessed displays can be seen in an innocent form in the craving that a child has for a favorite toy. Take the favorite toy away and the child will cry for days and may even stop eating food. The child can be cruel to himself in such a situation. The same cruelty may turn outwards to the toy when the toy is no longer the favorite one. An adult, who expresses obsession in terms of erotic love, is even more dangerous. He (or she) may go to any extent to get the object of his (or her) desire and may even turn violent if the object is taken away. Intensity of such passion is destructive in case of any denial; the obsessed one either destroys oneself or destroys the object of obsession. Newspapers are full of stories of some young boy or girl committing suicide after being turned down. One also hears stories of some boy killing or throwing acid on the face of his girl friend after knowing that she is getting married to someone else.

Violence at denial is only one facet of obsession. The other facet of violence manifests when the obsessed gets hold of and becomes the owner of the object of his desire. No, they do not live happily thereafter. The relationship of the obsessed one with the object of obsession is not a relationship of caring. It is a relationship of power, a display of brutishness, a game of ego. The ownership has to be absolute, to the exclusion of everyone else, and the obsessed needs to demonstrate it every moment to get any pleasure from it. One is not concerned if this stifles or even hurts the object of obsession. Too bad, if it does. The case is typical of a child who sees a beautiful singing bird in the garden, gets hold of it and puts it in a glass jar besides his table, without any concern for the life of the bird. By the end of the day the bird is dead and the child is back in the garden looking for a fresh bird.

It is very difficult to distinguish between love and obsession during the initial stages of a relationship. But some telltale signs should not be ignored. Let us say that a girl has to decide whether her boy friend is treating her as an object of obsession or as his beloved. Some of the questions that she must ask herself are as follows:

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  Does he accept me as I am or does he want me to make some changes to my appearance or dress or hairstyle or even my career?
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  How does he react to my friends, relatives, family members, colleagues and acquaintances? Do all these appear as pests to him and he wishes to have me all by himself or does he genuinely enjoy meeting everyone who is dear and near to me?
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  How does he handle disagreement with me? Does he get disturbed when I have an independent opinion or does he welcome it?
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  In a public place or when introducing to friends or relatives, does he show me off as if I am a trophy that he has won?
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  Does he want to be with me at all times (either physically or by telephone) so much so that I find myself getting cut off even from my family? Does his continuous preoccupation with me has started affecting adversely his or my job and normal life routines?
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  Would he still care for me if I denied to him what he craves for most? (This may be sex or may be something else) One may also ask the question, would he love me even if due to some reasons beyond my control, I cannot meet him or talk to him for one year?
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  Are his expressions of passion interspersed with occasional threats of termination of relationship?
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  Last but not the least, how do I feel when I am with him? Do I feel strong, comfortable and relaxed? Or do I feel weak, tensed up, on my toes, centre of attention but not relaxed?

 

There is a Difference

What is the difference between love and obsession? Why is it so important to distinguish obsession from love? Simply put love is a committed relationship between two people who respect each other's needs. Obsession on the other hand is a controlling, disillusioned relationship between two people, one or both of which are not respectful toward each other. There is a huge difference between romantic love and obsession.

When Love And Obsession becomes Possessiveness

People in a committed relationship of love have interests outside of the relationship. They feel free to pursue these interests, without the interference or objection of their partner. People experiencing obsession may resent and even forbid the outside interests of their partners. They view outside interests as a betrayal, rather than respecting their partner's right to a full and happy life.

Obsession is a relationship where the other person is idolized. Their faults are not seen, because the obsessed party has not yet gotten to know them as a person. When faults are revealed, instead of tolerating them, the person with the obsession is shocked by them and overreacts. People truly in a love relationship have taken the time to get to know the other person. Love means not only tolerating, but embracing the faults and differences of our life partners.

People in a loving relationship will experience a twinge of jealousy from time to time. They will go to the person they love and discuss these feelings rationally. Together they will work out a solution that makes them both comfortable. People experiencing obsession will become angry and demanding when experiencing jealousy. They will assume their feeling to be correct without any further discussion. This anger born from obsession, insecurity and jealousy will often lead to violence and irrational behavior.